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Sep. 27th, 2008
03:43 pm
I am so motherfucking bored it's not even funny.
Mara couldn't do anything today.
The weather sucks.
I suck.
This whole fucking family sucks. I want them to GO AWAY. I seriously want to kill them all. I can't take it. They haven't even done anything but I'm pissed. They fucking hack into my MySpace and who knows what else and my brother treats me like shit and my mom is just a fat bitch and my dad needs to go curl up in a hole and die.
I HATE THEM.
I want to go to school.
I just want to GET OUT OF HERE. There is nowhere to go! I can't drive! There's nowhere that I can walk to and hang out in!
I'm not even kidding about how much I hate them. And everyone is coming over tomorrow for my brother's late birthday so I fucking have to put up with all that. I'm going to see if I can get out of it somehow.
I want to cry. If I had a gun I would blow all of their heads off.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/angry.gif){kind=small}
bitchy09:59 am
Yeah last night my parents told me they found out that I had cut myself again...they wouldn't tell me how they found out, but my brother apparently knew too and he kinda gave it away. I'm assuming they somehow hacked into my MySpace.
So I'm changing all my passwords. I hate invasions of privacy.
And you know, this is weird, but I don't know if I want to change. I've been this way for so long, it will be way too different to feel anything else. I just don't want to feel anything at all.
I want to cry and scream and murder my family all in one.
And my dad is all "it's all about me".
pissed offSep. 26th, 2008
10:06 pm
Yeah I just made myself horny by watching all these sexy emo boys making out (what's new?).
Oh, and btw, Mara filed some of her teeth to points bahaha!!!! They look sooo fucking cool. When she bit me yesterday she didn't draw blood (ha she stopped too soon) but the fangs did leave imprints and I was left with a hickey on my wrist. Oh and yesterday when Mara and Brandy and I were waiting for the late buses Mara ran her hand up my thigh. I'm like, "WOMAN DO NOT DO THAT! I'm already thinking about that gorgeous emo boy and this is not helping!!!"
Yes we are insane and we love it.
And Mara is very happy at the moment, so that makes me happy.
I wanna go shopping with her. Hopefully tomorrow.
So I feel great right now (despite this damn period). I feel so happy I could cry. Because Mara is finally happy! And emo boys make me happy XD
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif){kind=small}
good03:10 pm
Sooo...
Brandy found out that the incredibly gorgeous emo boy is Mike, and he is a seinor at our school. Good and bad...I was like, DAMN HE'S A FREAKING SENIOR??!! Aww...shame. I wanna see him again.
At lunch today Jake sat at his usual table but he sat at the end near me...OMFG. I freaked out. His friend, also named Jake, was sitting on his right, so Jake was like, second down, so it was almost a wish that had come true. I think he saw me like, once. Yeah, the boy is oblivious, even though I went past him about 12 times on purpose. Haha.
Poor Mara has a terrible cough and Brandy is now sick. Mara and I were walking back from her locker and she just got all weak and needed a little help so I took her to the nurse. Saw her later and she's fine. I feel so bad for her.
I hate the weekends. I want to sleep through it and then not have to deal with Monday...
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sad.gif){kind=small}
sadSep. 25th, 2008
04:58 pm
Today was funnnn.
Mara and I had a blast at lunch, and I wasn't really depressed. Then later we went to Japanese Club with Brandy and Michelle and Rebecca, and Allison was there. There's a guy there who is co-president and he is pretty cute...and he's nice! Heehee. So we had fun. I picked out my Japanese name, which is Ayame (it means "iris"). Well, actually Allison picked it out haha.
Then we went to the library to wait for the late buses, and down this one hallway Mara's friend (I think her name is Crystal...) was working on some stuff for decorating the walls with her friends. One of them was a drop-dead gorgeous emo guy with snakebites and panda eyes...we were like, SCREAMING our heads off afterwards. Dude. Brandy was like, "I wanna go tear his clothes off and fuck his brains off" And I was like, "OMG ME TOO!!!" Bahaha but seriously, he was GORGEOUSSSSS. And we're all like, WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN HIM BEFORE?! I mean, we're ALWAYS aware of hot guys. So we are just hoping that he goes to our school (which I'm assuming he does but I NEED TO SEE HIM!!).
Dude. Snakebites + panda eyes + awesome emo hair + skinny jeans = hotness. I want.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/loved.gif){kind=small}
enthralledSep. 24th, 2008
03:25 pm
Today was better than yesterday.
Dude. That emo boys with the black hair is sooo cute.
And Jake is even cuter. I hate it.
I think he saw me at lunch, but I know he saw me in the hallway twice...because when I was walking upstairs to first period he was in front of me, and then he met with Sean, and I eventually passed them. I'm like, ughhhh I don't wanna walk in front of him but I don't wanna walk behind him either. And then he looked at me when I was with Michelle (not the same Michelle at lunch, a different one). He's soooooooo cute. Mara says he reminds her of a porceline doll. Delicate and beautfiul and so easy to break.
I'm like, CAN I BREAK HIM?!!!
But seriously. I want an emo boyfriend or at least some emo guy friends. Jesus.
NO guys wearing eyeliner though!! I'm so sad about that...But Diana did see a guy put on lip gloss. I'm like O_O HOOOOTTTT
Omg. My mom is so annoying. She can't trust me know that I've changed. Screw her.
annoyedSep. 23rd, 2008
03:43 pm - Pretend That Nothing Is Broken
I HATE THIS!!!
I hate everyone.
I hate feeling things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair!!!
And now it's about like, everything. And any little thing gets me sad or depressed or jealous or angry or impatient.
I just think about myself and cringe. I'm nothing. Insignifigant.
No one notices me. No one looks at me. No one says hi. Almost no one in my grade knows my name. I'm not even kidding.
And I'm sick of feeling invisible and ignored and being turned away out of nowhere...
I want a hug.
I want a gun.
How am I supposed to deal with this??? Just fake it like I always do, I guess. Plaster on a smile and just shut the fuck up. No complaining. No crying. No moping. No sighing.
And it seems like everyone else is having fun but me. Lunch is fun, but it also isn't because I get really depressed there, for various reasons.
I'm being stupid again, but seriously, how the fuck do these girls date anyone?!
Well, I guess it starts with the guys KNOWING THEIR NAME.
And this is not just about Jake. It's about every motherfucker in the school.
And you know what? Instead of me saying, "I feel like shit" or "I'm so depressed right now" I wish someone would notice how I'm acting and ask me what the hell is wrong.
depressedSep. 22nd, 2008
03:50 pm
It's officially Autumn. Yesss.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Repeat until I finally go insane.
I hate seeing his face.
I hate seeing my face.
I hate these emotions.
I hate feelings.
I hate this family.
I hate this situation.
I hate all these kids I have to put up with every motherfucking day.
Today was chaotic.
Two fire drills, one unplanned. Mr. Masters wasn't even in the room when the unplanned one started. He's NEVER in the room.
But yeah, so outside I was standing alone because I couldn't find any friends, and that hot guy with the hot pink faux hawk was in front of me, and after a while he turned around and was like, "Are you a teacher?" and I was just like, "No..." And he turned around. Yeah...dunno what that was about. I don't look like a teacher. I look 16 tops. But yeah, he kept looking around and kinda looking at me, and I'm like, dude, you seriously do not wanna tempt me. I might pounce any second.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST RIP MY HEART OUT PLEASE!!!
depressedSep. 21st, 2008
05:33 pm - *SIGH* This Sucks
I hate obsessions.
I just hate them. They are no fun.
I hate myself.
I feel so desperate...
I hate how I keep using the word "I"...
But anyways...yeah, I feel so freaking desperate.
I want someone to love me. No, I guess, not even that. I want a guy to like me.
Sounds so fucking lame, I know.
But it's like almost every other girl I know gets a boyfriend or has had a boyfriend or has one right now. I haven't had one, probably won't get one in high school, and obviously I don't have one on that note.
There are some things I'm certain of, and one of them is that no guy I look at and think is cute will NEVER look at me and think the same thing. Like the guys at the mall...they said hi to Mara - WTF! Like I'm not there! Pissed me off.
I can never get anything I want. Well, that's not entirely true, but you get it.
I need a new hairstyle. I wish I could pull off black hair, but I can't. And my mom would be like...o_O. But I need to do something different. I wish I could pull of STRAIGHT hair, but I have too much hair to straighten it and my face just doesn't work with it.
I was thinking a minute ago, "I wish I were a guy so I could pull off the cool emo hair..." Heheh.
OMG I DO NOT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!!!! I HAT
I WANT EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT H
I really want to cry and scream and shoot everyone all at the same time.
I think I've run out of tears for a while, since earlier this week was pretty intense. After that, I've felt like crying so many times but I just can't. Won't come out.
I want to hug someone...
I want to go to bed.
I want to fucking die.
I want everyone to FUCK OFF.
depressed11:25 am
I hate this fucking family.
Everyday I tell myself: Only four more years, only four more years...
*Sigh*
I really want to just shoot myself.
And I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. Monday's suck because I have no lunch (NO FUN!!!) and no study hall. So it's go, go, go all day long. OY - a double period with Mr. Masters. If you knew what he was like, you'd know how I feel. I just want to shoot everyone in that class.
And my family is like, always always ALWAYS talking about how I'm dressing. It's just like: STFU YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
angrySep. 20th, 2008
06:48 pm
Today sucked. So boring. So stupid. So annoying.
Two words, though: GIANT SPIDER.
And it was orange, yellow, and black.
Hedious.
I almost walked right into it.
Again, I HATE WEEKENDS.
bitchySep. 19th, 2008
03:22 pm
Oh my goodness today was fun. Well, the only fun part was lunch.
So Mara was like, "I feel like biting someone" and I like pulled up my glove and put down my sleeve and was like, "Here, you can bite me!" and at first she didn't, but then we continued talking about it and she actually did! Dude, she bites pretty hard. It felt soooo good though. Heehee. So she actually bit my wrist like 3 or 4 times, and a few marks are still there. Haha, I thought she was gonna draw blood since she was right on the vein. And Mara even licked my wrist! It was too funny. But yeah, her and Brandy and I are like, we have to have a sleepover and just like, bite each other. Bahahaha.
Anyways, during this whole biting scene, Jake never looked over! He looked over at other moments, but never then. I was like, COME ON JUST LOOK!!! I really have no idea why I wanted him to see that...maybe because it'll show him I'm crazy and fun and better than Taylor...heheh.
I am having such trouble with my urges to lick and bite Jake's neck...teehee.
Sep. 18th, 2008
03:57 pm
Wow.
What a sad, upsetting, frustrating, and yet fun day.
Jake looked really sad at lunch. I think he's bummed about Taylor. Mara was like, "Go and give him a hug!" and I was like, "I WANT TO!!!!"
And he had all those skanks hanging all over him!!! Grrr...this one who I hate (for other reasons besides this) had her arms around Jake's hips and her hand was practically on his crotch when he was standing up!!! Jesus christ!
So I am going to say hi to him someday soon. I have to!!!
God. He his so cute it's unbelieveable.
You know, I used to really like my height, and I still do, but a lot of the freshman guys are still shorter than me, and it's weird. Jake is like, my height, but still...it's odd.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/silly.gif){kind=small}
weirdSep. 17th, 2008
03:29 pm
My mom is on my back about wearing black all the time...I'm like, so what???
Dude. I am so freaking obsessed with Jake. It's insane.
BUT he broke up with Taylor...I'm like; YES!!!!!!!
weirdSep. 16th, 2008
07:48 pm - Hope
Alright. I am fine now. No more cutting. Nothing.
Something very scary, weird, confusing and terrifying happened tonight, which no one could fully understand. No rational human could ever get it.
But I understand some of what happened, and I am scared. So scared. For Mara. I cannot say what happened in any way, it is between me and her, but I'm very...freaked out.
I think I have may have just gotten a connection to another world, if you know what I mean. That is all I will say.
I know this is not something I do but...I think I might just turn to God.
I think I have to believe in that right now. Mara needs a miracle.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/scared.gif){kind=small}
scared03:27 pm
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
Today sucked...I felt so forgotten, so ignored, so alone, so unloved.
I'm going down that path again...
I tried cutting again. After so many months, I try again.
I gave in. I'd been longing to do it for a while.
But it's not like it does much, our knives can't cut through anything. I have to like, saw myself.
But today I kept stabbing myself with my pencil and it left all these marks.
I will not tell anyone.
I will not.
I can't. It's too hard.
depressedSep. 15th, 2008
04:29 pm
I really, really, really wish I didn't have jealousy issues.
And my brother is being an ass.
And I'm very depressed.
I feel unloved.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/envious.gif){kind=small}
enviousSep. 13th, 2008
09:13 pm - AWESOME DAY!!!
Went to the mall with Mara :] LOADS of FUN!!!
We went into the costume store first, to get some inspiration. Then I believe we went into Sephora, and they had this awesome neon hot pink eye shadow that is AMAZING that I was going to buy, but it was out of stock :(
Then we went to Spencer's the first time, and I forgot what I bought the first time...
And then we went into Hot Topic and we both got these hot striped gloves. I got hot pink and black and Mara got black and white. And I also got this really cute lip balm that smells exactly like cotton candy.
We went into Zumiez, and there was this HOOOOOTTTTT guy who worked there. Mara and I were talking and he kinda like started talking to us (actually to HER - grrr) and he seemed kinda flirty. So we kept going back there all day bahaha just to see him. We also stalked him for a little while at one point when he was on his break.
Then we went into Spencer's again, and we each got a belt and "Happy Pills" lol. The cashier was following us around the entire time, and then when we walked out the manager was there and he comes up to me (and he was like 5 inches shorter than me - hahaha!) and was like, "Did you still something from my store?" And I was just like WHAT?! And so he kept asking me, and I'm like, "No, I did not steal anything!" And he said how a necklace was missing. And I was like, "No, I didn't steal anything!!" and so I let him check my bags and showed him the money in my pockets. Then I was like, "You can check my purse if you want, too" and he said no. But he was very rude and he only asked ME. ONLY ME. So I was very upset and pissed off (you should have felt my pulse!!), and so we went into Victoria's Secret (which there is a weird story about that too o_O), and then I was like, "You know what? I am gonna go back there and tell him that he was being a complete jackass!" And I planned everything I was gonna say.
So we go back in, I walk straight up to the desk where the cashier and the manager were, and I was like, "I just wanted to tell you that I didn't appreciate being singled out for shoplifting," and he's like, "I didn't single you out" and I said, "Yes you did, there were other people in the store besides me." And he said, "I saw you looking at the necklaces" and I was like, "Yeah, other people did too, my friend looked at them with me" then I was like, "I was very offended that you chose me out of everybody else" and he said, "I don't care" so I was PISSED. I took out my money and was like, "Look, I have money, I bought your stupid shit, there is no need to steal! So I just wanted to tell you that" and then as I was leaving he was like, "Have a wonderful day" and I yelled back "Fuck you" and flipped him off.
I WAS SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a time when you need to stand up for yourself.
And in Victoria's Secret, we were just looking around, and this woman who worked there I think comes up to me and was like, "Are you 18?" and I'm like..."No" and she was like, "Oh, you look 18!" and so Mara and I were worried that we couldn't shop there unless we were 18, which is not the case, so she was like, "Oh yeah, we're shopping for our sister" and the woman like, went away.
Mara told me later how she thinks the woman was hitting on me and wanted to know if I was of "legal age" and I'm like....LOL!!! BUT my parents thought the exact same thing when I told them!!!!!!!!!!!! I was like...whoa.
We went into H&M to return this shirt I got a while ago. We were talking about how the guy in Zumiez was hitting on Mara, and the cashier (a guy) was like, "I don't know what's going on, and I don't wanna know" and then I said something and laughed and he was like, "Well maybe I do" and so we were like...um...so I told him BAHAHA. He had SUCH a thing for Mara! The second time we went in Mara was like, "Ugh I have a headache!" and the same guy walked by and was like talking all scientific about the pressure of the air or something...trying to impress her?
So then we went to the food court I think, and there was this hot guy with AWESOME hair (who I took a pic of heheh). We kept seeing him and his friends throughout the day. One time we were sitting on the bench outside of Zumiez looking for the hot employee who was so friendly, and the dude with the hot hair and his friend walked by. They totally looked us up and down like they thought we were cute, and then the guy with the awesome hair turns to his friend and makes this face like he is totally disgusted!!! So Mara was like, "Do you wanna follow them?" and I'm like, "HELL YEAH!" So we followed them. A lot. And they totally caught on. At one point we sat down on the fountain thingy, and they were on the other one kinda far away (right outside the food court). Well, I kept looking at the hot guy and he kept looking at us (he was totally onto us). And then they left, and we sort of followed them, but they kept disappearing. And then we were like, "Okay, we're just gonna sit down at the food court" and they were there! And Mara got up to go look at something, and then like 3 seconds after she left the two guys got up and followed her! She was telling me that she was actually kinda scared.
And so we kept seeing them at the most unexpected times, and Mara and I both believe strongly that we have at least part of a 6th sense, and at one time these two guys really, really scared us. We walked into the food court towards the restrooms, and she got all freaked out and I was like, "what is wrong?" and she's like, "the guys are behind us!" So I turn around and they are sitting on the fountain. I'm like...WHOA. And we both knew someone was watching us at that time and it felt very threatening, but she saw them and I didn't. So we freaked out. For a little while we had the scariest feeling from those two guys, and Mara told me lots of things which I cannot say, but I agree with her. And then we were sitting at this table and they got up from their table, walked past us, and the hot guy's friend said hi to Mara (of course her). And the evil feelings were gone. So we're not exactly sure what happened but we have an idea. So we followed them again for the last time :(
It was sooooo fun!!!!
Sep. 12th, 2008
03:49 pm - BEST DREAM EVER
Oh my lordy lord lord. I had THE best dream I have ever had last night,
The beginning is fuzzy, but it had to do with school (which was all distorted like things usually are in dreams). There was this older guy who was GORGEOUS and had wicked hair. And he was gay heheh. He also had a younger brother who was hot, but not as hot as him, and he was straight. Well, I had this huge crush on the older guy, and I was just like, always trying to get near him and whatnot. So, after a while the guy felt kinda bad that I liked him so much, so he just like grabbed me and put his mouth on my neck, and I knew what he was going to do. I was kinda wary at first because I thought it would hurt, but when he bit down it didn't hurt at all, and I started moaning. And then I like, licked his wrist or something.
But dude, I cannot even explain it in words. It was just awesome. I have been thinking about it all day.
And Mara had some pretty dirty dreams last night. Jake and I were involved bahahaha. I was like, "Yeah, ONLY in my dreams."
But that lovely boy wasn't in school today :[ I had no eye candy at lunch.
These friends or whatever of Connor (the dude Mara has liked for a while) keep teasing Mara and making her feel bad. She got pretty upset, but I am glad I'm a good shoulder to cry on. I'm very good at that ha. And tomorrow we are most likely going shopping, so that will cheer both of us up.
But man...that dream.
Wowee!
Oh, and I also saw two guys hugging in the hallway. I don't think they are gay, but I was like: *DROOL*
excitedSep. 11th, 2008
03:38 pm
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE JAKE??!!
Out of EVERYONE in the ENTIRE school I set my sights on HIM.
He was sitting with those skanks at lunch...and they are older than him, so I'm like...why the hell do you even sit there?
This morning before class started, there was a choir practicing with Ms. A in the voice room, so we all wait on the steps outside the room. And Jake walked by!!!!! I think he saw me, I'm guessing he noticed me because of the emo-ish way I look. AND I walked right behind him while going to lunch again! AND I saw him in the halls a few times! Bahaha I know where his locker is now...
But it sucks. I mean, the guy Mara has liked for 2 years doesn't pay any attention to her, but at least he is AWARE OF HER EXSISTENCE and she knows him!!! Jake doesn't know me and I don't know him :[
Oy, that song I have to sing is TOUGH. Not the notes, but the rhythms and everything. There is so much movement and so many long phrases.
Yeah, Dylan and Nick were harrassing me in science AGAIN. I told em off, but it's like, you seriously have nothing better to do in the middle of science class? Wow.
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