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Sep. 27th, 2008
I am so motherfucking bored it's not even funny.
Mara couldn't do anything today.
The weather sucks.
This whole fucking family sucks. I want them to GO AWAY. I seriously want to kill them all. I can't take it. They haven't even done anything but I'm pissed. They fucking hack into my MySpace and who knows what else and my brother treats me like shit and my mom is just a fat bitch and my dad needs to go curl up in a hole and die.
I HATE THEM.
I want to go to school.
I just want to GET OUT OF HERE. There is nowhere to go! I can't drive! There's nowhere that I can walk to and hang out in!
I'm not even kidding about how much I hate them. And everyone is coming over tomorrow for my brother's late birthday so I fucking have to put up with all that. I'm going to see if I can get out of it somehow.
I want to cry. If I had a gun I would blow all of their heads off.
Yeah last night my parents told me they found out that I had cut myself again...they wouldn't tell me how they found out, but my brother apparently knew too and he kinda gave it away. I'm assuming they somehow hacked into my MySpace.
So I'm changing all my passwords. I hate invasions of privacy.
And you know, this is weird, but I don't know if I want to change. I've been this way for so long, it will be way too different to feel anything else. I just don't want to feel anything at all.
I want to cry and scream and murder my family all in one.
And my dad is all "it's all about me".
Sep. 26th, 2008
Yeah I just made myself horny by watching all these sexy emo boys making out (what's new?).
Oh, and btw, Mara filed some of her teeth to points bahaha!!!! They look sooo fucking cool. When she bit me yesterday she didn't draw blood (ha she stopped too soon) but the fangs did leave imprints and I was left with a hickey on my wrist. Oh and yesterday when Mara and Brandy and I were waiting for the late buses Mara ran her hand up my thigh. I'm like, "WOMAN DO NOT DO THAT! I'm already thinking about that gorgeous emo boy and this is not helping!!!"
Yes we are insane and we love it.
And Mara is very happy at the moment, so that makes me happy.
I wanna go shopping with her. Hopefully tomorrow.
So I feel great right now (despite this damn period). I feel so happy I could cry. Because Mara is finally happy! And emo boys make me happy XD
Brandy found out that the incredibly gorgeous emo boy is Mike, and he is a seinor at our school. Good and bad...I was like, DAMN HE'S A FREAKING SENIOR??!! Aww...shame. I wanna see him again.
At lunch today Jake sat at his usual table but he sat at the end near me...OMFG. I freaked out. His friend, also named Jake, was sitting on his right, so Jake was like, second down, so it was almost a wish that had come true. I think he saw me like, once. Yeah, the boy is oblivious, even though I went past him about 12 times on purpose. Haha.
Poor Mara has a terrible cough and Brandy is now sick. Mara and I were walking back from her locker and she just got all weak and needed a little help so I took her to the nurse. Saw her later and she's fine. I feel so bad for her.
I hate the weekends. I want to sleep through it and then not have to deal with Monday...
Sep. 25th, 2008
Today was funnnn.
Mara and I had a blast at lunch, and I wasn't really depressed. Then later we went to Japanese Club with Brandy and Michelle and Rebecca, and Allison was there. There's a guy there who is co-president and he is pretty cute...and he's nice! Heehee. So we had fun. I picked out my Japanese name, which is Ayame (it means "iris"). Well, actually Allison picked it out haha.
Then we went to the library to wait for the late buses, and down this one hallway Mara's friend (I think her name is Crystal...) was working on some stuff for decorating the walls with her friends. One of them was a drop-dead gorgeous emo guy with snakebites and panda eyes...we were like, SCREAMING our heads off afterwards. Dude. Brandy was like, "I wanna go tear his clothes off and fuck his brains off" And I was like, "OMG ME TOO!!!" Bahaha but seriously, he was GORGEOUSSSSS. And we're all like, WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN HIM BEFORE?! I mean, we're ALWAYS aware of hot guys. So we are just hoping that he goes to our school (which I'm assuming he does but I NEED TO SEE HIM!!).
Dude. Snakebites + panda eyes + awesome emo hair + skinny jeans = hotness. I want.
Sep. 24th, 2008
Today was better than yesterday.
Dude. That emo boys with the black hair is sooo cute.
And Jake is even cuter. I hate it.
I think he saw me at lunch, but I know he saw me in the hallway twice...because when I was walking upstairs to first period he was in front of me, and then he met with Sean, and I eventually passed them. I'm like, ughhhh I don't wanna walk in front of him but I don't wanna walk behind him either. And then he looked at me when I was with Michelle (not the same Michelle at lunch, a different one). He's soooooooo cute. Mara says he reminds her of a porceline doll. Delicate and beautfiul and so easy to break.
I'm like, CAN I BREAK HIM?!!!
But seriously. I want an emo boyfriend or at least some emo guy friends. Jesus.
NO guys wearing eyeliner though!! I'm so sad about that...But Diana did see a guy put on lip gloss. I'm like O_O HOOOOTTTT
Omg. My mom is so annoying. She can't trust me know that I've changed. Screw her.
Sep. 23rd, 2008
03:43 pm - Pretend That Nothing Is Broken
I HATE THIS!!!
I hate everyone.
I hate feeling things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair!!!
And now it's about like, everything. And any little thing gets me sad or depressed or jealous or angry or impatient.
I just think about myself and cringe. I'm nothing. Insignifigant.
No one notices me. No one looks at me. No one says hi. Almost no one in my grade knows my name. I'm not even kidding.
And I'm sick of feeling invisible and ignored and being turned away out of nowhere...
I want a hug.
I want a gun.
How am I supposed to deal with this??? Just fake it like I always do, I guess. Plaster on a smile and just shut the fuck up. No complaining. No crying. No moping. No sighing.
And it seems like everyone else is having fun but me. Lunch is fun, but it also isn't because I get really depressed there, for various reasons.
I'm being stupid again, but seriously, how the fuck do these girls date anyone?!
Well, I guess it starts with the guys KNOWING THEIR NAME.
And this is not just about Jake. It's about every motherfucker in the school.
And you know what? Instead of me saying, "I feel like shit" or "I'm so depressed right now" I wish someone would notice how I'm acting and ask me what the hell is wrong.
Sep. 22nd, 2008
It's officially Autumn. Yesss.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Repeat until I finally go insane.
I hate seeing his face.
I hate seeing my face.
I hate these emotions.
I hate feelings.
I hate this family.
I hate this situation.
I hate all these kids I have to put up with every motherfucking day.
Today was chaotic.
Two fire drills, one unplanned. Mr. Masters wasn't even in the room when the unplanned one started. He's NEVER in the room.
But yeah, so outside I was standing alone because I couldn't find any friends, and that hot guy with the hot pink faux hawk was in front of me, and after a while he turned around and was like, "Are you a teacher?" and I was just like, "No..." And he turned around. Yeah...dunno what that was about. I don't look like a teacher. I look 16 tops. But yeah, he kept looking around and kinda looking at me, and I'm like, dude, you seriously do not wanna tempt me. I might pounce any second.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST RIP MY HEART OUT PLEASE!!!
Sep. 21st, 2008
05:33 pm - *SIGH* This Sucks
I hate obsessions.
I just hate them. They are no fun.
I hate myself.
I feel so desperate...
I hate how I keep using the word "I"...
But anyways...yeah, I feel so freaking desperate.
I want someone to love me. No, I guess, not even that. I want a guy to like me.
Sounds so fucking lame, I know.
But it's like almost every other girl I know gets a boyfriend or has had a boyfriend or has one right now. I haven't had one, probably won't get one in high school, and obviously I don't have one on that note.
There are some things I'm certain of, and one of them is that no guy I look at and think is cute will NEVER look at me and think the same thing. Like the guys at the mall...they said hi to Mara - WTF! Like I'm not there! Pissed me off.
I can never get anything I want. Well, that's not entirely true, but you get it.
I need a new hairstyle. I wish I could pull off black hair, but I can't. And my mom would be like...o_O. But I need to do something different. I wish I could pull of STRAIGHT hair, but I have too much hair to straighten it and my face just doesn't work with it.
I was thinking a minute ago, "I wish I were a guy so I could pull off the cool emo hair..." Heheh.
OMG I DO NOT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!!!! I HAT
I WANT EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT H
I really want to cry and scream and shoot everyone all at the same time.
I think I've run out of tears for a while, since earlier this week was pretty intense. After that, I've felt like crying so many times but I just can't. Won't come out.
I want to hug someone...
I want to go to bed.
I want to fucking die.
I want everyone to FUCK OFF.
I hate this fucking family.
Everyday I tell myself: Only four more years, only four more years...
I really want to just shoot myself.
And I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. Monday's suck because I have no lunch (NO FUN!!!) and no study hall. So it's go, go, go all day long. OY - a double period with Mr. Masters. If you knew what he was like, you'd know how I feel. I just want to shoot everyone in that class.
And my family is like, always always ALWAYS talking about how I'm dressing. It's just like: STFU YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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